Can You Leave Us Breathless? Blogfest Contest Entry

Posted: October 21, 2011 in science fiction, short stories, Writing
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

     

      Section from The Old Schoolhouse

By: Tammy Holloway

      Jared slowly approached Kaley. “Y y you na na never ccc cccame in?” “No Jared, I fell asleep in the car and woke up just before I saw you come out. I heard a noise and decided to join you.” Listen K K Kaley, you were with us almost the whole time. Y y you have to believe ma ma me.” Just then, Sam came running up. “Sam! Thank goodness you are alright!” “No thanks to you Kaley. What were you thinking anyway? You just better be glad you’re my friend or I’d have to give you a good wallop on the head.” Jared broke them up; “She dada doesn’t remememember being in here Sss sa ss Sam.” “What? That’s crazy! Of course she remembers. Don’t you Kaley?” Kaley looked at Sam, puzzled and shrugged her shoulders. “I was asleep in the car the whole time.”

      Jared decided it was best they make their way to the exit. Sam stumbled upon the room where Jared swore he saw something earlier. “Watch my back;” Sam said and started her way into the room. “Ss Sa Sam! Wh wh what are y y you doing?”Her flashlight slowly rose up to the ceiling. Jared fell to his knees and began to vomit. Sam screamed, “NOOO!” Kaley was dead. There was a gripping fear that surrounded them as they stood in shock over what they saw. A loud crash came from inside the building and they snapped out of it.

     Puzzled and ill over what they just witnessed, Sam and Jared faced the reality that they had to get out of that place and fast. Things were happening that they couldn’t explain and it was definitely evil. They made a run for it. Jared and Sam jumped in the car.

 …From the back seat; “What’s going on Jared? What took you guys so long?”

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Comments
  1. Ooooh! sounds like a great Horror- just in time for Halloween!
    Would you be able to start a new line with each piece of dialogue? Right now with it all in one paragraph, it’s hard to tell who is saying what.
    Good luck!

  2. Spooky. =)

    I agree. It was confusing to follow.

  3. Wow! Thank you Kaleen. I certainly should have done better about addressing who is saying what. This is from a full story I wrote and condensed. It is much better as a full story I hope:-) Thanks for stopping by!

  4. Nicki Elson says:

    Whoa, that is some craziness those kids are in the middle of. Intriguing that Kaley was there…but she wasn’t. Breathless for sure.

  5. Shilpa says:

    Ooh that was spooky! Loved it!

  6. Amy says:

    Great writing! I so want to know what happens next! 🙂

  7. cecemuoki says:

    Definitely spooky..love it! would love to know what happens next, and who spoke the last line.mmmh.

  8. Exciting, but the dialogue all bunched up made it really hard to read.

    • Kate – I am so sorry about that. I am still in the learning phases of writing so these comments really help me to improve! The original story was much longer and, hopefully, easier to follow but revisions are definately in this story’s future:-)

  9. Lissa says:

    The difficulty in deciphering this piece did not detract from the incredibly spooky ending. For that, I must commend you.

  10. This is really good, but I agree with it being hard to follow. The ending is spooky which is a plus. But you should start a new line with each new person speaking. This will make it easier to read. Good job and I want to know what happens next! 🙂

    • Lady Jamie ~ Thanks for the tip! I always wondered why there were short “one liners” throughout a story. I still have a lot to learn. This contest has really helped. I have a million stories to share with little experience in “how to write”. I have been attending writing seminars, researching, reading, and learning all I can so I can bring all of my stories to life for everyone to enjoy:-) I will definately work on part 2 of this story ~ Stay tuned!

  11. ETPhoneHome says:

    Tammy, before I read all these comments, I thought the bunched dialogue/prose was intentional. I actually thought you were speaking in 3rd person unlimited (jumping from one character’s head to another instead of sticking to one POV) because some quotation marks were missing. Basically, I enjoyed that very much. Now that I know it was unintentional, well, all I have to say is, learn the rules so you can break them again : ) I liked this one a lot. The first paragraph and the ending line are my favorite. The line “Kaley was dead” would have worked much better for me if I knew in what state she died, how is she dead? A little extra description would be great. But, nice job! I liked the circular ending, very classic horror, in a good way.

    • ETPhoneHome ~ I am so appreciative of everyone’s comments as you read. I love how you put that: “Learn the rules so you can break them again.” 😉 I simply write exactly how it is in my head. I love writing that way. It is fun for me. It is as if I am watching it as a movie in my head every time I write. (((((((BIG HUGS TO ALL OF YOU)))))))

  12. Thank you for participating in Can You Leave Us Breathless? Blogfest Contest. Your entry has been judged.

    Good luck!

    The Judges
    (Connie, Joannine, Marissa, and Brenda)

  13. Cat says:

    This was spooky but also very confusing. It was hard to follow who said what, and the missing descriptions made it hard to understand who was where. I like it but it’s a tad too lean.

    • Anonymous says:

      Thanks Cat. You and many others said the same thing. I did resubmit the full version with corrections if you want to read it in a more enjoyable way. This is all a learning process for me:-)

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